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EXONERATED, BUT SUSPICIONS REMAIN
For weeks, both before and after Haspel's nomination to the post of CIA Chief, rumors
have swirled around Washington that Haspel, on previous assignment as head of interrogation for the bureau, actually drank the blood of prisoners tortured by the CIA at certain unspecified "black sites" around the globe. Additional rumors have circulated around the beltway related to whistleblower disclosures that Haspel "enjoyed the taste of human flesh", especially from torture victims she had personally interrogated. Although the charges of Vampirism have been found to have no basis in fact, the other rumors have not been disproven nor confirmed, although discoveries in Ms. Haspel's office
do seem to bear out her unusual appetites.
It is now official----Blood tests confirm Gina Haspel is not a blood-drinking vampire.
Numerous reports that she sleeps in a taxpayer-bought
luxury coffin have been verified, however.
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Regarding the coffin, Haspel insists
"It's just for comfort; It's not a necessity".
FEISTY RESPONSES
When asked by lawmakers if she has ever consumed human blood, her response was a blithe,
"Well, wouldn't you like to know", and
"You need to stop watching those
silly Bela Lugosi movies."
In spite of her use of the Vulcan "Live long and prosper"
hand-sign from Star Trek,
Shaken lawmakers refused to press her further.
Blood is drawn for Haspel's blood test which has exonerated her of being a blood-drinking vampire.
Still, some observers "have their doubts", said
an unnamed government official.
Blood-fed?
Haspel, looking suddenly years younger and less gaunt than she had been
just a few days earlier during her congressional appearance.
The sudden change in her appearance only stoked the rumors further.
Big-Government Box
This super-luxurious, high-end gold coffin, where Haspel sleeps
each night, was paid for by taxpayers.
The Bill: $666-Thousand dollars.
The numerical amount also raised suspicions, as well as enraging
taxpayers and taxation activists.
Anti-tax activist Grover Norquist was said to be "beside himself"
with outrage over the purchase.
Items such as this, found in a back-closet of her office,
also raised suspicions (read label closely),
as well as a deli-prepared human
body part found in her refrigerator (see below).
PEDI-FILE?
Another disturbing find in Ms. Haspel's refrigerator. When
questioned about the item by intelligence officials, Haspel responded
sarcastically, "Maybe you ought to arrest singer Michael Franks
for writing the song, 'Popsicle Toes', first." Intimidated agents
never broached the topic again in their questioning.
UN-TOUCHABLE
Haspel has acknowledged supervising torture sessions, and destroying
evidence of dozens upon dozens of such sessions in a cover-up effort.
US Officials insist, this is no problem, since concerns that Haspel
was a blood-drinking vampire have been completely disproven.
As a result, Haspel will resume her duties without further questioning.
The concerns about her possible cannibalism have also been dismissed
as a mere harmless "fetish", as is her propensity for sleeping in a coffin----
More specifically, a coffin with a cost of 2/3 of a million dollars
to US taxpayers.
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